Friday, October 21, 2011

Skinny Crappuccino

I was walking home today when I was overcome by a powerful urge to take a shit. Not the kind of "whip out To Kill A Mocking Bird and settle in for a good oul' read" type of shit, more the "I'm gonna pull down my pants, sit on a seat and hope to fuck there's a hole in it" type. I was left with a choice. Use the toilet in the Starbucks I was passing, or shit myself. Usually, I'd just shit myself rather than step foot in that place but I was wearing shorts and no amount of hyperbole would make that okay. So in I went.

I'd never been in Starbucks before because deductive reasoning lead me to believe it's full of cunts. Maybe I'm an uppity prick. So what, I was right. Inside, I was greeted by a prick of a Starbucks person who has some sort of weird job title that means they can make coffee. I will not use this title. The other people in there were also dopes, sipping their 'skinny lattes' and 'grande cum-shots' or whatever. Skinny is not a size I want associated with my cuppa tea, you fuck! Also, I had to fucking buy a cup of tea for €2.20 and it tasted like piss. €2.20 for piss and what I really wanted was a shit!

Anyway, the point is, I reckon Starbucks is an organisation set up to indoctrinate people into drinking their pissy coffee, lull them into thinking it's great, drug them and then violently molest them in their sleep, cutting them open and removing their organs to feed cows. Cows to make the milk to put in the coffee. And the cycle starts again. Sound ridiculous? Well then, they may already have you. And I uncovered it. Because I needed to take a shit.