Thursday, June 30, 2011

Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen - Transformers: Dark Side Of The Moon

BOOM! KRSHH, BLAKHHHHHH!!!! Those are explosiony sounds and probably the most intelligent things you will hear throughout the entire film. I'm basing this on three things: The trailer, the cast and the fact that this is the same recycled Hollywood shite that comes out every Summer. Sure, I haven't technically seen this movie, but really I have. MICHAEL BAY. Only when I saw this movie, it was called Men In Black. Or Die Hard 4.0 (yeah, it was a crap film; I've finally gotten over it). So I know what I'm not gonna be in for when I never watch this shit film. A load of shit, that's what.

Now, first off, MICHAEL BAY I don't really give a fuck about Transformers. I didn't play with the toys or watch the cartoons when I was a kid so when they announced the first film with Shya Labouef a few years ago, I wasn't one of the idiots who pissed themselves with excitement and named their newborn Megatronius (or something). But from what I gather from the trailers, this movie seems to be about Alien robots who are coming to stop other Alien robots from taking over/destroying the Earth. Call me crazy but that idea is fucking awesome! Why in shit would you want to mess that up?! MICHAEL BAY

Here's what I reckon happens in the movie, based on convention and the trailer. Something dramatic and explosion-y kicks off the action in the first 5 minutes or so. A lot of top secret (attractive) government people walk through automatic glass doors and hand files to higher-ups who say things that, on the surface, sound intelligent but when your quadriplegic, braindead grandad has the slightest spark of a thought, he realises that it's actually tripe ("Our entire space-race of the 1960s was in response to an event" - $195m budget and this is the standalone sentence that introduces the trailer.) MICHAEL BAY.

Anyway, after all that shite, the movie looks to be dominated by huge 'splosions, a token black dude who has muscles and a gun and, likely, some wise-cracks. Shea Lebraff running around looking dumb and a supposedly attractive female who doesn't do anything in the trailer except look upwards and scared (this might just be how her face looks, I'm not sure) and is invariably only gonna be used to either get captured by someone or to tell Sean Luboff that "we have to get out of here!" Perhaps both. Probably both, in fact.

The rest of the movie will basically MICHAEL BAY just be filled in by computers and the odd crusty old army man who wants to nuke everything. There's always one, eh? Suffice it to say, at the start of the movie, everyone will be well dressed and pretty and by the end, after the alien robot apocolypse, though no one will have died, their shirts will be scuffed, their faces will be positively filthy and yer wan's rack will definitely be on display. MICHAEL BAY What really baffles me is the amount of morons who go to see this shite. I understand if you wanna bring the lads from the special home or your aspergers kid to see it or something. But seriously, if you're a normal, functioning human, stay away.

I'd love to kick the shit out of the absolute prick who directed this piece of bollocks movie. Whoever he is.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

That's It! I'm Givin' Up The Smokes!

And I mean it this time! It's gone on too long. They cost so much, my teeth and fingers are stained, I smell like crap and, to top it off, my uncle just died of lung cancer 'cos he smoked all his life. This time, I'm definitely giving up. Well, except when I'm drinking, obvs, but that doesn't count. Social smoking doesn't count.

No, not me you fuckin' goon. The above paragraph was written in the first person to show how annoying it is to hear that crap. I obviously don't smoke cos I'm obviously not a retard. That kinda shit is the crap I have to listen to all the fucking time from idiots that I know who like to pretend to themselves that they're gonna quit smoking. They don't believe it. I don't believe it. But for some reason, they keep telling me anyway, as if I'm supposed to give a shit. To be perfectly honest, for the most part, I don't give a shit if you get lung cancer from smoking. So I don't really give a shit if you quit or not. Obviously, I have a few close friends and family members that smoke who I don't want to see meet a grizzly end. But apart from those few people, I really don't care.

Part of the reason that I don't care is that, I reckon if you smoke in the first place, you're pretty much a goner anyway. Smoking cigarettes is like paying someone to punch you in the gut every day as hard as they can until it eventually kills you. Surely if you're doing something like this, your own idiocy will win out in the end and cause a stupid death, like you'll accidentally eat a marble instead of a grape and choke to death on it. Or if you're American, you'll shoot yourself in the face while trying to clean your loaded gun in the dark.

So why did you start in the first place? Cos you're a.... *and the audience chimes in* FUCKING MORON! Top four reasons I've heard when I've asked people these questions, in no particular order are, a) For something to do; b) To relieve stress; c) It looks cool; d) Dunno really.... Dya know what's a healthier, cheaper option? Pulling yourself! I'm not even being crass. Can't think of anything to do? Pull yourself! Need to relieve stress? Pull yourself! Something that looks cool? Eh.. well, you get the idea anyway.

So anyway, what I'm saying is that if you're planning on telling me that you're going to quit smoking (except of course while you're drinking or stressed or feel like a cigarette), please save us both some time and hang yourself instead. Or just don't talk to me. You'll be telling me the same thing in two weeks anyway. Also, if you're planning on 'ironically' telling me tomorrow that you're going to quit as a 'joke,' it's been done. And done. And done. So fuck off.