Thursday, June 30, 2011

Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen - Transformers: Dark Side Of The Moon

BOOM! KRSHH, BLAKHHHHHH!!!! Those are explosiony sounds and probably the most intelligent things you will hear throughout the entire film. I'm basing this on three things: The trailer, the cast and the fact that this is the same recycled Hollywood shite that comes out every Summer. Sure, I haven't technically seen this movie, but really I have. MICHAEL BAY. Only when I saw this movie, it was called Men In Black. Or Die Hard 4.0 (yeah, it was a crap film; I've finally gotten over it). So I know what I'm not gonna be in for when I never watch this shit film. A load of shit, that's what.

Now, first off, MICHAEL BAY I don't really give a fuck about Transformers. I didn't play with the toys or watch the cartoons when I was a kid so when they announced the first film with Shya Labouef a few years ago, I wasn't one of the idiots who pissed themselves with excitement and named their newborn Megatronius (or something). But from what I gather from the trailers, this movie seems to be about Alien robots who are coming to stop other Alien robots from taking over/destroying the Earth. Call me crazy but that idea is fucking awesome! Why in shit would you want to mess that up?! MICHAEL BAY

Here's what I reckon happens in the movie, based on convention and the trailer. Something dramatic and explosion-y kicks off the action in the first 5 minutes or so. A lot of top secret (attractive) government people walk through automatic glass doors and hand files to higher-ups who say things that, on the surface, sound intelligent but when your quadriplegic, braindead grandad has the slightest spark of a thought, he realises that it's actually tripe ("Our entire space-race of the 1960s was in response to an event" - $195m budget and this is the standalone sentence that introduces the trailer.) MICHAEL BAY.

Anyway, after all that shite, the movie looks to be dominated by huge 'splosions, a token black dude who has muscles and a gun and, likely, some wise-cracks. Shea Lebraff running around looking dumb and a supposedly attractive female who doesn't do anything in the trailer except look upwards and scared (this might just be how her face looks, I'm not sure) and is invariably only gonna be used to either get captured by someone or to tell Sean Luboff that "we have to get out of here!" Perhaps both. Probably both, in fact.

The rest of the movie will basically MICHAEL BAY just be filled in by computers and the odd crusty old army man who wants to nuke everything. There's always one, eh? Suffice it to say, at the start of the movie, everyone will be well dressed and pretty and by the end, after the alien robot apocolypse, though no one will have died, their shirts will be scuffed, their faces will be positively filthy and yer wan's rack will definitely be on display. MICHAEL BAY What really baffles me is the amount of morons who go to see this shite. I understand if you wanna bring the lads from the special home or your aspergers kid to see it or something. But seriously, if you're a normal, functioning human, stay away.

I'd love to kick the shit out of the absolute prick who directed this piece of bollocks movie. Whoever he is.

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